Tidbits & Stuff

Being a member of a blended family has its challenges, especially if you're a step-parent who sees the importance of meeting everyone's needs and teaching the members of your family how to balance respect with love and discipline with understanding. In this article, you will discover tips for creating a happy home life for your newly blended family. If you've been part of such a family for some time, you will learn how to resolve longstanding conflicts.

When a single woman with children marries a single man with children, the union should be viewed as more than just the union of husband and wife—it can be likened to the joining of two different cultures. Each family is like a tribe unto itself and if this union is to work, each adult must respect the other’s family dynamics, until they can best determine how to combine their parenting styles in a way that serves the best interests of everyone in the family.

Establish Rules

Even if your families have the same cultural background, family dynamics will vary. Your first task is to identify when and how yourparenting styles differ. For instance, while you may have a strict, children-do-not-talk-back-to-adults rule, your spouse may be open to listening to children’s opinions and negotiating outcomes. If you try to impose your no-talk-back rule on step-children who are accustomed to expressing their feelings and opinions, they will resist you. If you refuse to acknowledge their resistance, they may exert the only power they have left and use their influence to drive a wedge between you and your spouse. Never underestimate the power of a parent’s love for his or her children.

Once you’ve noted a difference in your parenting styles, come up with a compromise and agree to act from it. For instance, in the example given above, you might agree to determine ahead of time which parental decisions are open to children’s input and which are not. Or you might each compromise yourparenting styles a bit, with the authoritarian parent agreeing to be more open, while the receptive parent agrees to establish limits on what is negotiable. Blendparenting styles in a way that respects everyone’s needs and beliefs. The idea here is to come up with a set of rules that are effective and flexible.

Don't Fight What's Natural

An essential ingredient in creating a happy, blended family is to acknowledge the power of the birth family. Recognize that your spouse is probably always going to be closer to his children than to yours. Although time and shared experiences will deepen these bonds, know that if you constantly criticize your spouse’s parenting style and/or his children, you may be contributing to the demise of your relationship.

In situations that involve child behavior patterns that were problematic before your marriage, it may be better to allow your spouse to attend to his children, while you take care of yours. For instance, a child who has a long history of disrespecting the limits of adults may be much more receptive to the guidance of his birth parent. When your spouse discusses problematic behavior with his child, refrain from joining in or agreeing with what he has to say through words or body language or the child may feel that you are ganging up on .

Although you may have suggestions for how your spouse can better reach his child, save your observations until after the emotional intensity of the conflict has dissolved and you can offer your suggestions in private.

Understand Possible Resentment

Understand that your step-children may dislike you. Children of divorce often want nothing more than to get their birth parents back together. Regardless of how or when you met your spouse, on some level, your step-children may blame you for their parents’ divorce. This is to be expected. It is an issue that you will overcome as you discover how to create a relationship with each step-child that is separate from his or her birth parents.

Recognize that your step-children may fear that you are trying to replace their mother. Assure them through words and deeds that you are not. Realize that in their eyes, you may never be viewed as more than an aunt. Accept this role graciously.

On the other hand, if your step-children like you, they may feel conflicted and fear that showing love for you means betraying their mother. The conflict between their feelings for you and their loyalty toward their mother will show itself as hot-and-cold behavior. This is where having a big heart is helpful. You are going to have to find compassion for your step-children even as they are pushing you away. Show them that their relationship with you does not undermine their love for their mother by supporting their feelings and showing respect for their loyalty to her. Over time, their fears will dissipate.

Focus on What Works

Rather than focusing on the conflicts in your home (and there will be conflicts), invest your energy in creating experiences in which bonding can occur. This doesn't mean you need to go on expensive trips or outings—it means you work together to create a harmonious environment in which everyone’s basic needs are met. It means that you learn to listen and understand that, like the grownups, the children are struggling to find a role in their new family the best they can. Talk about this one-on-one as opportunities present themselves and during regular family meetings.

During happier times when everyone is getting along, you can gently and positively bring up an ongoing difficulty and ask your children, step-children and spouse what they each can do to help resolve it. In this way, everyone becomes part of the solution. This is how a family is formed.

The most important piece of parenting advice for blended families is to strive to be more reflective, insightful, compassionate and humane. Focus on the areas in which you need to grow as a parent and your children and step-children will naturally follow suit.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Laura Ramirez is the publisher of Family Matters Parenting Magazine. A keynote speaker and teacher, she is also the author of the award-winning parenting book, Keepers of the Children: Native American Wisdom and Parenting which uses little known native concepts to teach parents of any creed or color how to raise children to develop their strengths and lead uniquely purposeful and fulfilling lives. The book is a journey of discovery deep into the heart of parenting.